““When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.” ”
According to the American Psychological Association’s 2018 report, perpetuation of “traditional masculinity” - or toxic masculinity - is harmful, not only to those who are on the receiving end of its manifestations, but to those that display it. No big surprises there. Suppressing one’s emotions, having to be “hard” at all times, and displaying a “tough-guy” behavior (e.g. aggression and violence) when confronted, not only sound antisocial and unpleasant, but quite unhealthy, if not dangerous.
While I would never label myself as being “hard” or a “tough guy”, I never really learned how to express or talk about my feelings very comfortably growing up in Japan. As a kid, I always had to put up a facade of conformity, especially when in public, which meant be quiet, be respectful, and don’t bother anyone with your problems (it’s very cliche, but true nevertheless). It took me until I was in my mid 30s to first see a therapist, who had to (and still is) teach(ing) me, what feelings feel like and how to honestly answer that annoying question of “how are you feeling?” (apparently, “I’m ok” is not a feeling). All of this is to say that I am not an expert on masculinity, but am quite curious about what being masculine means today.
While it is quite easy to villainize toxic masculinity and call out idiots like Luis Rubiales (unfortunately, his name can easily be replaced by numerous other candidates so feel free to insert your own man here), I am not entirely sure where bad masculinity ends and good masculinity begins. For example, the Bible - in 1 Corinthians 16:13-14 - advises men to “[b]e watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love”, which feels, perhaps rather obviously, patriarchal and overly religious (not really my cup of tea). For those of us less pious, there are more secular attempts to define masculinity through mnemonics like the “3Ps of masculinity”, which guides males to be providing, protecting, and preparing. Perhaps less antiquated, but still feels slightly awkward due to the lingering sense of paternalism.
Whichever definition one subscribes to, perhaps the discomfort that comes with speaking about masculinity today is due to the unavoidable reality that masculinity has - at least recently - garnered a lot of negative attention (and hardly any good ones): #MeToo or #SeAcabó are obvious movements that shed light on and attempted to thwart the horrific behaviors by men perpetuated against women. Even away from the more salient news articles, masculinity has been attributed as one of the major causes of high crime rates (as men are are more likely to commit violent crimes than women) evidenced by how “men are overrepresented in prisons” or why sustainability initiatives fail (because “men resist green behavior as unmanly”).
Some may feel that as a result of the aforementioned #MeToo movement and various perpetrators being caught and excommunicated from civil society, things have gotten better (although the Rubiales incident would suggest otherwise). Thanks in part to the popularity of authors like Brene Brown and Esther Perel, even men are now talking about being more open and being vulnerable. In other words, it has become more acceptable for men to not be so masculine (at least in the traditional sense) relative to some decades ago. However, this new, more vulnerable and emotional version of masculinity is not without its own problems as well. This can be evidenced by the emergence of “petulant vulnerability”, which is when one “uses the language of vulnerability as a cudgel… feign[ing] emotional fragility as a means of retaining power.” So perhaps in some ways, things are getting better, but in other ways, not.
This brings us back to the central question of where bad masculinity ends and good masculinity begins. In sum, toxic masculinity is bad. Petulant vulnerability is bad. Patriarchy is bad. Men trying to cling on to power and dominance is bad. All of which begs the question of what is good masculinity then?! And here, I am still not entirely sure and am slightly reluctant to offer a thought of my own for the fear of being entirely wrong. Nevertheless (hello vulnerability), I think masculinity is kindness. It is being able to create a sense of belonging for others without being (overly) paternalistic about it. It’s about trying to help those in need when asked for an assist. It’s about trying to talk to my kids about their feelings and sharing mine with them (even when it is very unflattering). It’s about doing household chores without feeling like I’m entitled to compliments and praise. It’s about knowing that I don’t really know and being open to listening and learning, knowing that things will change tomorrow. Maybe, and just maybe, being masculine could even mean that when we are feeling down, we don’t go invade another country, but we go eat instead?
Curious what masculinity means to you.